The downloads aren't corrupted. The MD5's and the file lengths all match what's on the website, I made sure of that. The update software also doesn't say that it's corrupted, it says it's not for my device.

My N800 is totally bricked again; there's no way for me to try anything else. No blue LED, no screen on, no charger icon when I plug in the AC adapter (with or without battery), taking the battery out for short or long periods of time does nothing... bricked.