BAH!
I got the device back from Nokia Repair (Palco), and all the nimrods there did was flash the OS. If they even tried to use a memory card they would see that it doesn't work.

Now I have to send it back to them again, on my dime, and who knows if they will actually fix it this time. In the meantime I can't use the device and my time to return it to CompUSA has run out.