I don't mean that literally. Is there anything simple like xmms/winamp for the tablets?

Here's what i want in a music player.

1. I start the program and it appears in under three seconds
2. It doesn't do anything without me asking.
   - It doesn't require an internet connection to initialize itself
   - It doesn't automatically connect to some unknown server revealing the contents of my media archive
   - It doesn't download things like album covers without my consent.
3. It doesn't require 14.5 MB of dependencies.
4. It provides a minimal UI that allows quick selection and browsing of media
5. It doesn't take over my screen with unneeded fluff
6. It minimizes to iconic form, providing useful status info
7. It consumes no more system resources than necessary
8. When i want to play something, i select what is to be played, from a directory or a playlist - the player doesn't open and scan every file (which is death on network shares) but just gets the directory list.

Looking at iphone and things like canola and other media players brings to mind the 'same planet, different worlds' quote.

Any suggestions?
(edit) No, xmms itself would suck as it's not at all hildonized. One of the xmms2 devs is getting a nokia so we might see a hildon-y frontend to xmms2 someday.