Hi. Sorry to hear about your bad experience. As you wrote yourself, there's an option to not add "birthday only" friends. That should solve one of your issues (I counted to three, and this would perhaps at least partially solve the check list request?)
The Surname, Firstname sounds interesting though - if you and your friend(s) don't mind, please provide an example of a name that should've matched, but didn't so we can reproduce that.
And, if you've merged the new duplicate contacts with the real ones, then Hermes should recognize that the next time you update/refresh and associate the merged (real) contact with the friend on Facebook (as long as you didn't remove the web page/link/URL from the merged contact). (If somehow it doesn't work this way - because it should - please write here again and we'll find and fix the bug.) Hope this helps to relieve some of your pain!