As an update, last night I was getting reports of errors reading the SIM card when I was turning on the phone with my wife's old pay-as-you-go SIM card. That was new, so the next day I put my SIM card in and suddenly I got bars. Thankfully, everything worked.

So, to all of those with helpful suggestions, thank you. To everyone else who decided to be the peanut gallery, go suck it.